Algo mas por ahorita

Estos ultimos dias que he estado enfermo he estado pensando bastante, he tenido a la Mafer en mi cabeza por wen tiempo y senti q algo habia pasado, le escribi un mensajito, sin embargo no lo respondio y no insisti.

Una de las cosas q pasa mucho por mi cabeza es que simplemente no tube oportunidad, aparecio tan espontaneamente como desaparecio y aun no me explico porque, yo jamas tube el control de la situacion, y dentro de mi siento, por mas que se que Dios hizo lo mejor, que no fue justo, algo que empezo tan bonito y fue tan bonito, termino de una forma tan abrupta.

Es bien ilogico seguir pensando en nosotros como una pareja, pero siento que se llevo una parte de mi y q eso nunca va a regresar. Siento tantos deseos de verla y hablarle, pero no tendria sentido, para q? Solo seria irme a estrellar a la misma pared...

Bien dicen q del amor al odio hay un solo paso y he estado dando ese paso de adelante para atras y viceversa muchas veces en estos dias. Me gustaria tanto dejar atras esto, borrarlo de mi vida, de mi mente, de mi corazon, de mi alma, de todas partes.... Me siento solo...

Hay muchas cosas que me gustaria saber de ella en estos momentos, pero estoy resignado a que no puedo y mantengo esperanzas en que todo esto va a pasar en su momento, el dia que yo pueda decir "Ya no me interesa mas" va a ser el dia en que lo habre dejado atras y en q estare en paz conmigo en ese sentido.

Recientemente se me presento la oportunidad de empezar una nueva relacion con otra persona, pero simplemente no puedo ahorita, no he vivido mi duelo, no he aprendido a vivir solo, a quererme, y por mas q me llevo muy bn con esa persona, me comprende y me demuestra mucho afecto, no creo q sea conveniente ahorita. No lo digo porque sienta que vaya a regresar con Mafer sino porque se puedo cagar tan facil una relacion y al mismo tiempo cagarme a mi mismo.

Je, que dificil es todo esto....

Moments

Good things happends in good moments
Bad things happends in bad moments
And everything happend in the right moment

That was the conclusion i had today, i went to a party on sat, and get drunk, i smoked again, i danced a lot, i talked to 2 persons that mean a lot in my life. I dont feel well about having fun, but its OK, its ok to have fun, i learned that.

My program tells me that i need to let go, to stop controling things and situation, and thats what i did, i stop controling myself, lol, i went too far, im not ready to go back to the road i was, so i wont, everything at its moment.

That's the fucking truth, and im glad of that :D

write for write

I quited smoking 5 days ago, i die for a smoke right now. Bad days had come, im in abstinence, from tobbacco and from relationships, and i feel like shit!

Im avoiding myself cause truth is too painfull and i dont wanna live it, but today i feel like 100 girlfriends had broke with me, i wanna cry, im screaming for attention but im unable to make a dam sound. A silent scream.

I dont wanna be me right now, i wanna run... I fuckin miss her, and its too fucking painfull let her go, its too fucking painfull not having control over anything but me, and even i cant control myself.

its fucking shit!!! im in anger and i hate everything!!!!

Un poema especial

Antes de postear el poema, me disculpo, rompí una de mis propias reglas, expresé mi sentir directamente con el nombre de la persona hacia quien siento, mi razón: rima y me gusta como se oye.

Lo postearé en inglés también, pero no suena igual que en español, solo es para comprensión de mis lectores en inglés.

Librando la batalla del desapego
Me encuentro cubierto en llanto
Recordando cada momento
En el que tu y yo nos unimos tanto

Ya no encuentro solución
En este ir y venir de emociones
Y veo el amargo final de pasión
Donde te recuerdo solo en canciones

Espero tu importante respuesta
Pegado a un mar de ansiedad
Que con capricho tuesta
La dolorosa e inminente verdad

Somos el uno para el otro
Como las estrellas y tus ojos
Inmersos en basta confusión
Nuestro futuro aparenta disfunción

Si NO ha de ser tu decir
No me quedará mas remedio
Que curar y seguir
De donde reina el miedo

Si no llegaran esas esperadas palabras
No esperaré mas en el limbo
Me despojare de las emociones extrañas
Y poco a poco encontraré mi ritmo

Pero si la situación florece
Te prometo sin duda alguna
Que daré cada aliento que me crece
Y lucharé para que Dios nos una

Sin mas en momento que decir
Me despido con una poderosa frase
Que me encanta transmitir y sentir
Que dice: Te quiero mucho Mafer

No more video

I have decided that for my own sake i wont do the fucking video, as i promised im posting the script.

Top 5 Moments of My 2008

5. Grandpa’s birthday, trip to Playa del Carmen Mexico
Almost every year, for my grandpa’s birthday he organizes a family trip, on 2008 we went to Playa del Carmen on Mexico. Beautifull place, the hotel was incredible, i went to downtown, to a long walking road full of shops, restaurants and bars, i walked a lot.

The hotel was so big that to go to lunch we needed to walk like 1/3 of mile, a lot of pools, drinks!!!!, beautifull Beach!!! And a discoteque named Jaguar.

I really enjoy this trip, all in family, sharing and celebrating my grandpa’s birthday!

4. Trip to the Semana Santa’s concerts on the Beach with my friends
Semana Santa is a religious week were the catolic church celebrates something, as u notice i dont care about it, but since its nations festive day, we did a awsome trip.

Gallo (beer company) and XL (rum company) makes a several Beach parties every year for this dates, so we went to everyone of it :D

It was a hardcore trip!!! We were a lot of ppl, we have fun, we danced, we singed, we did a lot of things!!!, we get drunk, jajajajajajaja :D

Very nice trip, i will have it in my heart always, i enjoy it a lot!

3. Family trip to Orlando, Miami, USA
In november, my family and i made a trip to orlando, 2 weeks of full fun!!! We visited all the Parks.

I remeber that to do this trip i had to do my collage final test befote i go, was a run run week before the trip, but i worthed it.

Nice views, nice rollercoasters, nice attractions, and a lot of family share!!! Amaizing!!

I remeber this trip as one of the greatest ones, and that why its on my number 3.

2. First day in CODA
CODA (Codependents Anonimous) is a non profit organization that helps ppl with codependents sickness to keep going and to be better persons everyday.

Well, im a codependent person, and the first time i went to CODA i was so scared!! So confused, with a loto f tears inside me, anda ll the Group gave me his support and made me feel great. I love my Group and i love CODA!!!
It marked a great change in my life, a lot of progress ins my life, im a better person now, i have issues, but i trust i can fix them. CODA is in my heart and is a big deal for me and thats why is in my number 2.

And finally the number 1 moment of my 2008!

1. The 2 unforgetable days
I think u are asking what tha fuck are the 2 unforgetable days, well, i call that to the 2 most precious day that i spent with a very special person for me.

This is not part of the script, i wont post somethings cause, cause i dont want to, this precious day has become the most wonderfull day and a though in my head everyday. I cant post much thing about it, but i can say, i loved her, i love her, and i will love her.

I had been tru a lot of hard moments recently, and very happy moments too. I had been writing a lot about me, my past, and things that are a pain on the ass for me, i have cried a lot, a lot of pain has been tru me, and in some ways i cant accept defeat yet, i have tried i swear, but its too difficult for me.

Somedays i have the feeling that im living my own life, im free, i can do anything and anything and anyone cant stop me, that a wonderfull day, serenity invades me and i feel very well, other days and moments i feel like i cant with myself anymore, too much feelings, too much thoughs, too much emotions, and everything just goes and goes around my head.

I have identified 2 big problems in my life, the worst, my family and the second one, my relationships, in this moments with her, the person of my number one. I have grown a lot, i have changed but in some ways im still the same person, i need to work harder, i need to share a lot of things, i need to speak to someone i completely trust, i need attention, i need honest understanding, i need a trully hug...

The funniest thing is that i found all this in her, but i cant talk to her, i cant get obsessed and due that i wrote a lot about her, i cant talk to her about her.... ironic, isnt it, jeje

Thanks to all my readers, i send u a big hug :D

Top 5 Video is behind schedule

My computer is having fan issues, so when i start recording, all i hear is the fan's noise, the new fan comes in 8 days max, so i will have to wait for it, then i will be on college, so i dont know if i will have time.

If i cant make the video i will post the script, so u can read it.

Thanks to u all.

Comming soon!!!! Top 5 moments of my 2008

I never do a comming soon, but im doing it now, its a video and i have a lot of work to do, thats why im previewing it, i want it to be like a master piece, i know that my skills arent awsome on video editing and such things but i will try my best, so,

Top 5 moments of my 2008!!!
Comming soon

comming down?

Im not writing now to tell u a story, not to share my expiriences, not to tell u a pretty thing, i just write tonight to tell u that i feel like shit!!!, i had been trying to avoid myself, i dont wanna think, thinking is painfull to me for now.

Reasons? mmmm, maybe, im not entirely sure, i feel like im in a cage locked, i wanna be free but i cant. im in anger, i have rage again, my mind is trying to bring out the aggresive Andres, the hurting one, im trying to control him, to cool me down but i feel like its inevitable.

i feel like i wanna throw down everything i have accomplished, its hard for me, some part of me is missing the old Andres, im trapped between the past and the future, and the only thing i wanna do is run!!! run away from me, from everybody, from the world!!! im mad... im crazy... im might be comming down.... again....